September was a hard month indeed. I had a ton of binge
eating episodes; in fact I only had three days when I did not binge and those
three days or when I made up my mind not to have any after dinner snacks at
all.
In this month of October I am celebrating my one year
anniversary of walking five times a day for every week except the one when I
had to rest because of my shin splints. When I reflect on my experience walking
for an entire year, I am disappointed that my body did not change! A long time
ago I lost weight without changing my diet, but by simply walking and a part of
me felt like if I just took up walking again I would lose the weight. The truth
is that while I have made many positive changes in my diet and with my exercise
routine I have not addressed the big elephant that is in the room with me at
all times, my Compulsive Eating!
Over this year I
have come to realize that diet and exercise are not cures for Compulsive Eating.
I can definitely say that the OA 1st step rings true for me. “We admitted we were powerless over food — that
our lives had become unmanageable.” I can say that I am indeed powerless over food. I am a
Compulsive Eater and nothing that I have tried short of abstinence has worked.
I think this month marks a shift from me thinking that my problem is that I am
obese to my problem being that I am a Compulsive Eater. As a Compulsive Eater I
take in 1,000-5,000 extra calories every night, despite eating a healthy
breakfast, lunch and dinner and healthy mid-morning and afternoon snacks. I
read a story in Overeaters Anonymous from one of the members and he spoke about
their being a difference between physical hunger and the hunger that comes from
Compulsive Eating, and the difference being that real hunger is satiable, this
explains why I can eat a healthy breakfast and be full, but after dinner when I
eat I am never satisfied no matter the amount.
I also admit that my life has
totally become unmanageable. I am a prisoner living in my own body at 270+
pounds and a size 26 at Catherine’s on my five foot two inch body. I have spent
the past year trying to manage my life through a healthy diet and exercise
program, and I have not managed to defeat my obesity or combat my Compulsive
Overeating.
As I move forward I am doing the
following things. I am giving a name to my condition. I am a compulsive
overeater, and I am claiming my cure, which is to abstain from compulsive overeating
by refraining from eating after dinner snacks, avoiding all trigger foods, and
avoiding eating between regular meals and regular snacks. I will be reading AA
and OA literature, keeping a sobriety journal and I have a jar where I can earn
sobriety rocks each day for remaining abstinent. I know that my physical
recovery is more than possible as long as I remain abstinent. I do not think abstinence
will be an easy journey, but I do think it will be a worthwhile journey, and I
believe that it is my only option.
I will continue to keep up with
my walking routine as it is the highlight of my day. I will continue to use
meal planning, because having structure in my regular eating will help aid me
in staying abstinent. I do believe that my addiction to compulsive eating is
very similar to an alcoholic’s disease and just as they can’t just have one
drink, I can’t just have one treat. My goal is to eliminate the behavior from
my life completely.
“One Day At A Time”
CLM
