Hello October!

September was a hard month indeed. I had a ton of binge eating episodes; in fact I only had three days when I did not binge and those three days or when I made up my mind not to have any after dinner snacks at all.

In this month of October I am celebrating my one year anniversary of walking five times a day for every week except the one when I had to rest because of my shin splints. When I reflect on my experience walking for an entire year, I am disappointed that my body did not change! A long time ago I lost weight without changing my diet, but by simply walking and a part of me felt like if I just took up walking again I would lose the weight. The truth is that while I have made many positive changes in my diet and with my exercise routine I have not addressed the big elephant that is in the room with me at all times, my Compulsive Eating!

Over this year I have come to realize that diet and exercise are not cures for Compulsive Eating. I can definitely say that the OA 1^st step rings true for me. “We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.” I can say that I am indeed powerless over food. I am a Compulsive Eater and nothing that I have tried short of abstinence has worked. I think this month marks a shift from me thinking that my problem is that I am obese to my problem being that I am a Compulsive Eater. As a Compulsive Eater I take in 1,000-5,000 extra calories every night, despite eating a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner and healthy mid-morning and afternoon snacks. I read a story in Overeaters Anonymous from one of the members and he spoke about their being a difference between physical hunger and the hunger that comes from Compulsive Eating, and the difference being that real hunger is satiable, this explains why I can eat a healthy breakfast and be full, but after dinner when I eat I am never satisfied no matter the amount.

I also admit that my life has totally become unmanageable. I am a prisoner living in my own body at 270+ pounds and a size 26 at Catherine’s on my five foot two inch body. I have spent the past year trying to manage my life through a healthy diet and exercise program, and I have not managed to defeat my obesity or combat my Compulsive Overeating.

As I move forward I am doing the following things. I am giving a name to my condition. I am a compulsive overeater, and I am claiming my cure, which is to abstain from compulsive overeating by refraining from eating after dinner snacks, avoiding all trigger foods, and avoiding eating between regular meals and regular snacks. I will be reading AA and OA literature, keeping a sobriety journal and I have a jar where I can earn sobriety rocks each day for remaining abstinent. I know that my physical recovery is more than possible as long as I remain abstinent. I do not think abstinence will be an easy journey, but I do think it will be a worthwhile journey, and I believe that it is my only option.

I will continue to keep up with my walking routine as it is the highlight of my day. I will continue to use meal planning, because having structure in my regular eating will help aid me in staying abstinent. I do believe that my addiction to compulsive eating is very similar to an alcoholic’s disease and just as they can’t just have one drink, I can’t just have one treat. My goal is to eliminate the behavior from my life completely.

“One Day At A Time”

CLM